help, the ham radio bug has bitten... AGAIN!

as if buying guns and motorcycles was not enough, now i have been bitten by the ham radio bug again, my big brother gave me a yaesu ft-301sd 10 watt transceiver, its an oldie but seems to work fairly well, and i have been playing with that the last few days, i got my 80 meter dipole back up and functional, and got my big amplifier hooked back into the electricity again...
man, lets see, motorcycle racing, guns, remote control cars, remote boats, ham radio, guns, truck driving.... darn, where will this end?!?!!?

oh, speaking of truck driving, i found me a really good deal on a decent little rig that i like a lot, of all the trucks i have driven i probably like it about 2nd to the pete 379, but this little rig is only 9 grand, and the peterbuilt was $46,000, i went to my local dealer and drove the little truck around town for a bit, then ran it to midland and back, and really like how it runs, its an older truck, a 1994, but it is really strong.... you can check it out here...
http://www.truckpaper.com/listings/forsale/detail.asp?OHID=968701&dlr=1&guid=325040711FC0494A95F44C392B5FEB45

dont look like i am going to be able to get any help getting it, so it will probably go to some other owner, as with everything in my life for the last 15 years or so, but hey, i can dream about it, and no matter what they cant take that from me, it really makes me sad that i have looked all over and finally found a rig i can get a good start with, for a good price, and it winds up being so far out of reach.....

new cars, new toys, new everything around me and i cant get a piece of equipment i can actually make money with, how bout that for a kick in the ego.. i have even figured a way to pay for the little truck within a year or so, all i need is a little help getting into it, and getting things rolling, no pun intended... ha....ha, oh well, just wait, ,

every person i know is able to get new and workable vehicles, and i cant even get me a cheap old rig that will make some money... oh well, just wait, this kid may have a little surprise for this world soon....i am getting so fucking sick of all this shit, and i think it may be comming to a head soon..... but i will probably wimp out again, and just let things go as usual.....man, i wish i could be like i was when i was 19 yers old, but i guess as i have grown i worry about what everyone else wants me to do, instead of what i want to do.... it just seems like it causes so many problems with everyone around me when i want to do something, and when i get sad it seems to make it worse... everyone else is allowed to have feelings, and be mad, but i am expected to be there all the time, and be happy and cheerful, and solve the problems of the world around me... damn i wish mom was here....no one seems to want me to do over the road again, and wants me to find a job where i can work 8-5 and be off weekend, i would like that myself, but working for someone else i dont think thats going to happen, i really dont want to do otr again myself, because i dont want to be away from my family, my little guy, and my super cool niece val, and big bro, and chupacabra... and i guess i need to quit wanting anything cause every time i get sad chrissy starts in with her chest hurting and acts weird toward me... oh well, i will probably piss everyone off by writing this, but i dont have anyone that dont get mad at me to share my feelings with, hell, i dont have ANY friends anymore, no one accepts anyone i ever am friends with so i just gave up on that.....

ha, i was filling out a job application a few days ago, and it asked for 3 references that was not kin to me or people i work with, and i could not even come up with one... how is that for a dead-end life..... i guess my choice of friends has not been the best, but at least i was happy ever now and then, and i felt like i had a purpose, even if it was just to be taken advantage of by my "FRIENDS"..... oh well, i guess i am better off, but just not happy at all anymore, and i have no one to share my feelings with that wont get mad at me, or start acting weird and stand-off-ish... is that a word... hell, who cares.....

GROW UP KEN....


long as everyone around me is happy why should i have to be......

all i ever want to do is sleep anymore, and thats getting to be a problem too i think, maybe i just need a few days to myself......who am i kidding, i cant afford that....

night all!


anything i can do to make things better for any of you out there in internet land, just let me know.... i am always here for you.... with a smile and a helping hand!